A “How to support a friend through a divorce” guide for the challenged

I am an anomaly.

If you look up synonyms for anomaly, words like oddity, peculiarity, incongruity, aberration, quirk, freak, exception, rarity, eccentricity stare back.

I am all those things.

In your fabulous forties, those exact words are liberating. You read that statement as one of useless rebellion, but did I mention I was 42? Surely you agree that is a long time to come to terms with the fact that “normal” is just not for you.

Consider this, what if I was destined to be an anomaly? That was supposed to be my normal. My act of rebellion, therefore, truly, was a constant effort to try to fit in, and, try, I did!

I didn’t get, or adhere to the norm in school ( rules, shmules!), nor in a Hindu home, nor in any engagement as a young adult ( I'm still trying to get my head around peer pressure!). The epitome of the effort of fitting in was getting married. Indian woman, late twenties, also synonymous with aberration, incongruity, you get the drill. Therefore, I did it, and at the time, it was real, true, exactly what my rebellious-self wanted.  

Then, 12 years later, I did not. The quirky freak, she finally tired of the rebellion, she fought to just be, to breathe. I surrendered. Only, it was the calmest, quietest surrender. It's strange how listening to the inner voice can beat the rebellion out of you in record speed, and with such confidence!

What followed was every married Indians’ dread, the D word!  

While the 12 years gave me so much, two insanely interesting girls, a lifelong friend, the divorce as is to be expected, had collateral damage. While my ex and me struggled to ensure least disruption to what was the most important unit to the both of us, our family of 4, what we did not see coming, was what our divorce meant for about 1/10000000th of the Indian population. Everyone else in our lives.

There are enough self-help guides, tips, coping mechanisms for people going through a divorce, but what we needed most was a survival guide for everyone else, and for lack of a better word, their interesting support attempts.

That was over 2 years ago, and I finally feel like its time I attempt to fill that large gap of “how to support someone you care for through a divorce”.  It's based somewhat on the broad topics i encountered, almost chronologically like a 12 step program. it also has a quick guide for the divorced, "how to survive support attempts." Therefore, here goes:

1. The WHY

Simply put, this is none of your beeswax. An adult is a complex result of their upbringing, their experiences, their environments and most importantly their emotional reactions or lack of, to all of the above. Now add another adult into the mix, and their experiences, environment, emotional reactions. That is their relationship. When two people get married, they want it to work. They believe in the forever. So when it all comes crashing down, what are the chances that they want to satisfy your misplaced curiosity on the Why? The need to place blame is yours, not theirs.

What not to say: But..... why?
What to definitely NOT say: But you guys were great! Who did what?

What to say instead: I am sorry you are going through a difficult time, I am here for you.  Can I bring you a hug, dinner or a drink? Do your laundry, watch the kids, and fill your freezer with double chocolate chip ice cream and vodka?

If you are on the receiving end of the misplaced curiosity:  Control the impulse of throwing the nearest and heaviest object at them while screaming “it’s none of your beeswax”, and say instead “too difficult to talk about, but thank you for your concern”. They mean well, and they are in shock. You have caused disruption to their belief system. They are in cope mode.

2. The UNSOLICITED marital advice:

It took me 3 years to arrive at divorce junction in my head. Then another few months of counselling, another year to iron out the details of the separation, all this before we even filed legal papers or told anyone. 5 years in the making. I was lucky to have a curly haired friend who saw me through the uncertainty, the pain of making such a final decision, battling all the demons in my head, the days of hope, the days of despair, the days of absolute meltdowns for most of those years.

Unless you are a part of that kind of inner circle, you could not possibly know what to say. What is important to know, is that is OK. Remember the “an adult is a complex result of millions and millions of micro-emotions”? So, the only way your advice would be important at the time that one is informing you (uncomfortably) that they have failed at something, is if you are : a) A certified Marriage counselor, or b) Alexa, or some other magic algorithm-based AI machine that can look up millions of bytes of data and spew out just the right links in a nano-second.

You see, otherwise, all you are doing is projecting your limited, biased opinion, understood through your own micro emo-system. What good is that for your friend, when Divorce junction was 250 miles ago?

What not to say: My husband / wife and me…..always……
What to definitely NOT say: You should’ve…….

What to say instead: Relationships can be so hard, I am sure you did what you could.

If you are at the receiving end of howtobemarriedsuccessfully.com: Disconnect. Give them space. Breathe. Fantasize about the chocolate chip ice cream while looking invested in the advice and nod agreeably. Occasionally, shrug in acceptance of your failure. Now graduate to thinking about the vodka. It will be over soon.

3. The CHECKLIST:

This one is my favorite. Every Indian grew up with a road-map which was gender specific.  Man, study hard, get the best degree to get the best job, then get married, have kids and make enough money to support the entire ecosystem of the great Indian family. Put yourself first, always.

Woman, put others first, always. Study hard, get a degree, get either a job or land a husband. You see, most times, that’s an either or. An either or that almost always leads to a crossroads at marriage junction, or best case scenario, motherhood. Then you have to decide. Between a career or managing a home and being a “good homemaker, mother, wife, daughter in law, daughter”. That’s what makes it OK for companies to politically incorrectly ask about marital and motherhood status in the interview process, they know that a “career” comes with many either or caveats. Caveats that almost always has women dropping off the work force like flies.

We like checklists. They are our comfort blankets. Ones that keep us warmly congruent with societal norms. So, the acceptable checklist for why a divorce is OK goes like this:

1. Physical abuse, yes this has caveats too.
2. The wife /husband cheated. With caveats, there is fine print on this too, one which is directly related to how financially independent the wife is, so which crossroad she chose on the way to wedded bliss and motherhood.
3. Greedy in-laws, the age old dowry system raising its ugly head.

It’s a very short checklist. I failed all of these, hence, my divorce was “unacceptable”. Which flips you from sympathetic audiences to disdaining ones. The audacity of making that final decision, where you put any other need (like happiness, or love, god forbid) above your societal role, is simply put, a no-go.

What to do: try every face contortion trick to wipe the judgmental look off your face. Silently repeat in your head “this is 2019, the checklist embedded in my cultural brain has evolved”.  Also, make note to self “must educate myself on the new checklist”. Then, relax face muscles into a sympathetic smile, and throw in an encouraging phrase or two about self-love, or freedom of choice. Generally these are universally acceptable in 2019.

If you are at the receiving end:  for the first few minutes ignore the face gymnastics on your audience, and power through with small talk while they adjust. The sympathetic smile is your cue to thank them for their support and understanding. Then, be helpful, and get them started on the new and improved checklist. Graciously and with gusto add a hashtag level comment to punctuate their encouraging self-love phrase.  

4. The Victor and their Spoils:

The union of marriage results in, union being the operative word, our once individual lives becoming an amoebic mass of confusion. Bank accounts merge, families’ merge, friends merge, entertainment choices, likes, dislikes till you no longer remember how you liked your eggs. To further the amalgam, you now buy things together. Innocuous gadgets, to slightly braver “gifts” of cars, jewelry and then the big one, a house. All these unions give birth to new amoebic entities. The joint account paid for the house you bought for example. You made special connections with the significant others family members, that one cousin- in- law that always got your jokes etc.

The biggest sacrifice is that of letting go of your singleton friendships, and now adapting to a “couple” social life. You adopt a few of his, he tolerates some of yours, some pleasant genuine new friendships are born from the others universe, and then you also make new friends as an amoeba. You may or may not have kept inventory, so eventually, based on some negotiation, and some legal fees, you usually arrive at a settlement for the uncoupling of all things inanimate.

But how does one do a binary fission of the rest of your life? What are the new rules of engagement? This believe it or not, is a baffler for the divorced and those impacted by in equal measure. I'm still meandering my way through this wonderful minefield, so what i have on offer are some good basics:

If you're a friend of one of the twosome: if you like the significant other enough for Diwali greetings, its OK to let the new rules of engagement be just that, a box of Diwali sweets annually. If on the other hand this person fell into the "she's the only one that gets my jokes"category, then do the disclaimer to your friend, and make an effort to meet for drinks every once in a while. I mean really, how many people really get your jokes? It's worth the effort.

If you're family of one of the twosome: this one is trickier. I've always loved the adage of friends being the family we choose, which seats friends in pole position, family in second ( biology dictates the love), and in last place come the in-laws that are neither  chosen friends nor biological family, but bestowed with the vows. If you're lucky, this could be a family you do love. I do believe at the end of the day, marriage or not, you either connect with someone or you don't. So, if you do have a connection with the in law half, make double the effort, he probably needs to know that it was real, not only the result of a marriage certificate.

Bottom-line is, there's no winning with this one, the impact of the binary fission, will unfortunately not be a clean split, and there will be a victor, and there will be spoils.

And lastly,

5.  The absolutely not OK conversation about the kids.

Read this one slowly, and carefully. Just a BIG FAT NO. You don't go there. EVER!

The above is just a light-hearted attempt at a heavy-hearted phase in my life. Here's hoping that you go the extra mile in empathy for the next friend that gets divorced, and if you're the one getting divorced, remember, double choco-chip ice cream and vodka, that's a killer combination!

Please do leave comments, I'd love to know if i should cease and desist my attempt at writing, or there is hope? And feedback, please!