Focal view

The smaller your focal view, conversely, the larger your sense of self-importance. I have been up most of the night, worried about dirtying the hotel bed. My uterus and vagina wage a bloody war at night. In my hormone frenzied trip, I had, through the cowardly medium of text, once again exposed my vulnerability. I had not had one back yet, one that would validate my self-worth. I woke up from a no sleep night, anxious.

I skipped breakfast, napped with knots, and waited for my ride to take me to the beautiful Uluwatu. I had the TV on, constantly checked for an insignificant other to tell me I was worth it on text, and the anxiety kept growing. A TV, a phone, a vape, and a hotel room. A very small focal view. Every thought was omnipotent, I was important. Paramount.

Then an hour later, climbing up the stairs to the temple on the cliff, it started to dissipate. Knot after knot, silly thought after thought. The enormity of the cliff, the sheer breadth of the ocean that nestled the temple on the perch, was a very calming but very real slap into size. The absolute insignificance of oneself, let alone the inflated sense of importance in a tiny room with a tiny phone, bitch slapped out of you with one panoramic sweep at the engulfing colors of an indescribable sunset.

Talk about a upheaving jolt out of the snooze inertia we live in every day. What is it about the inverse relationship of a worldview and oneself? The larger the expanse of my view, the smaller (albeit correctly proportioned) view of ME.

I feel like I have discovered the anti-anxiety drug I need. With every new hue my eyes registered, the longer the breath my lungs demanded, replacing raspy short breaths with calming cleansing ones, physiologically changing my anxiety to calm. Now if only I can pack up this cliff, sea, temple and Panje (my guide that gave me a whole new download on hinduism) into my red suitcase and unpack them onto my desk every Sunday morning, I’d be cured!

Maybe my Kopi Luwak aka weasel poop coffee could be a close second. Maybe I need more than the 200 grams I bought, just in case.